Komunikasi dalam Keluarga

Komunikasi dalam Keluarga
(Psikologi Keluarga Pertemuan 6)
Ari Pratiwi, S.Psi., M.Psi
26 Maret 2014
I know you believe you
understand what you think I
said, but I am not sure you
realize that what you heard is
not what I meant.
(Anonymous, from Randal,
2003)
Introduction
• Communication is at the heart of
expressive family processes
• How family members
communicate, what they
communicate about, and how they
resolve differences are examples of
these expressive family processes
Introduction
• The most frequent activity you do with friends
and family members is, most probably, TALK!
• Communicating is a fundamental activity of life.
We communicate about who we are, our dreams,
our goals, what we think is good or bad, we
critique those around us, we negotiate conflict,
start fights, and try to find forgiveness. When we
communicate, we reveal our weaknesses and
strengths and explore our expectations, hopes,
and dis- appointments (Duck, 1997).
• Obviously, communication is more than just
talking.
Special communication relationships
developed from an early age
• Pertama, kita menonton dan berkomunikasi dengan
orangtua dan anggota keluarga terdekat.
• Lalu kita keluar dari rumah dan melihat interaksi
orang di televisi atau film
• Kita mengobservasi bagaimana saudara kita
memecahkan masalah dan berkomunikasi dengan
teman mereka
• Kita berlanjut lagi dengan belajar melalui melihat
orangtua dan orang dewasa yang lainnya
• Setiap kali terbentuk pertemanan atau hubungan,
cara kita berkomunikasi dan berinteraksi berubah
dan beradaptasi
• Perubahannya tidak tampak jelas dan seringkali kita
tidak berbincang tentang bagaimana kita
berkomunikasi satu sama lain. T
Bagaimana komunikasi ketika kita
sedang jatuh cinta?
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Meminimalisir kesalahan pasangan
Berbagi perasaan dan pengalaman & berkata dengan lembut
Memaklumi secara ekstra, menggunakan ekspresi sopan, “tolong,
terimakasih”
Menggunakan “personalized communication”  termasuk rahasia
yang disimpan dari orang lain dan dan pesan yang hanya dimiliki
bersama dalam hubungan yang khusus
Membuat personal idiom (panggilan sayang, nama untuk hewan
milik bersama)
Mengkomunikasikan cinta secara verbal untuk mengekspresikan
dukungan, membicarakan banyak hal
Mengkomunikasikan cinta secara non verbal (menyentuh,
pandangan mata, berpegangan tangan, berciuman, nada suara
yang berbeda)
Menyadari ada yang “tidak beres” pada diri orang yang dicintai
The parts of communication
Observable /
overt (tampak,
jelas)
Message
Intent / covert 
non verbal
Parts of
communication
Decoding
The parts of communication :
decoding
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Decoding mengarah pada ide bahwa orang kita kirimi pesan
menginterpretasikan pesan kita
Mereka akan menerjemahkan kata-kata (bagian yang terbuka)
sebaik ekspresi wajah yang tidak tampak, nada suara, postur dan
tanda-tanda lainnya sesuai konteks pesan dan berusaha
menebak pesan apa yang berusaha kita kirim.
Masalah bisa muncul dari proses ini ketika orang lain melakukan
decode tidak sesuai dengan yang kita inginkan/maksudkan
Beberapa pesan dikirim dan penerima pesan tidak melakukan
decode sebagaimana yang kita harapkan. Namun di waktu lain,
pesan yang diterima dan yang dikirim bisa selaras.
Kita bisa menilai kualitas suatu hubungan dengan mendengarkan
bagaimana gaya berkomunikasi seseorang dalam hubungan yang
dekat
Research
• Research Dickson-Markman & Markman (1988) :
Rata-rata, pasangan melakukan 1.24 interaksi setiap hari
yang cukup panjang untuk dianggap sebagai conversational
exchange. Pertukaran percakapan ini rata-rata berlangsung
2 jam. Topik yang sering muncul meliputi pekerjaan,
perawatan rumah, anak dan anggota keluarga yang lain,
percakapan yang dilakukan sepanjang hari tersebut dengan
orang-orang lain dan makanan.
• Study by Noller and Feeny (1998) :
Pasangan melaporkan bahwa mereka melakukan rata-rata
22 komunikasi per minggu (sekitar 3x sehari) dengan
masing-masing percakapan sekitar 20 – 30 menit. Panjang
percakapan dipengaruhi oleh jadwal pekerjaan, jumlah
anak di rumah dan umur/tahapan anggota keluarga yang
lain
TYPES AND KINDS
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Miller, Nunnally, Wackman, and Miller
(1988). These family scientists
suggested that communication in close
relationships could be organized into
four types :
small talk
competition/ control talk
meta communication
cooperative/straight talk
TYPES AND KINDS : Small Talk
• Small talk. When we encounter a friend, stranger,
or family member, we often just want to chat
(news items, the recent rainstorm, daily routines,
something silly a child said, or what’s on for
dinner). The purpose of this type of conversation is
to build trust and establish bonds of connection.
People who are not skilled at making small talk are
sometimes seen as intrusive when they skip it and
move immediately to requests, lectures, or
inquiries. Conversely, if one only knows how to
engage in small talk, then it is difficult to build
lasting rela- tionships with others.
• Shop talk. Shop talk is really small talk that
happens at or about the workplace  boaring!
TYPES AND KINDS : Competitive / Control Talk
• Control talk is about influence and change.
When we praise, lecture, direct, request, or
suggest things to family members we are using
control talk. Parents often supervise their children, monitor their activities by asking where
they have been, and teach them about while
the children are doing homework. All of these
activities are control related. As can be easily
imagined, too much control talk can lead to
trouble.
TYPES AND KINDS : Competitive / Control Talk
Some kinds of destructive, competitive fight talk
strategies :
• Interrupting. Often when we are impatient and
controlling, we interrupt the other person and try
to redirect the conversation to go in the direction
we want. Kennedy and Camden (1993) : not all
interruptions are a sign of dominating and
controlling communication ; women are far more
likely to interrupt than are men; most of the
interruptions that occurred in their study were
confirmation interruptions
• Non sequitur. The term non sequitur is a logical
term indicating that one idea does not follow from
the next; interrupts the flow of the conversation
and interjects a thought seemingly unconnected to
the conversation.
TYPES AND KINDS : Competitive / Control Talk
Some kinds of destructive, competitive fight talk
strategies :
• Sarcasm and cutting humor. In current usage,
sarcasm and cutting humor means to make
someone look foolish or unworthy.
• Distancing. When we give up on the other person,
decide we have had enough, and disengage we are
distancing. Rather than battle with someone, we
choose to retreat and build barriers.
• Martyring. The martyr seeks control through a
particular type of distancing strategyThe intent is
clearly manipulative and controlling
TYPES AND KINDS : Meta-communication/Search talk
Miller et al. (1988) also list search talk as an
important type of relationship communication.
When we talk about how we talk about things,
we call this search talk or metacommunication. Meta-communication is
important because it allows us to put the
normal flow of decision-making, problem
solving, and conflict resolution on hold.
TYPES AND KINDS : Cooperative/Straight talk.
Seeking meaning. One way to send non-defensive,
non-combative, non- competitive intent and
content messages to those close to us is to seek
meaning. When we seek meaning, we listen
carefully, non-judgmentally, and without thinking
about what we want to say next.
Seeking clarification. When we seek clarification we
go beyond seeking the meaning of the interaction.
In this situation, we are listening closely and find
some aspect of the message unclear to us.
Reinforcing. As the sender is explaining an important
message to us, it is important that we tell him or
her (using both intent and content messages) that
we appreciate the story or concern. We reinforce
or reward the disclosure by saying sim- ple things
like, “uh-huh,” “sure,” “I see,” or “really?”
TYPES AND KINDS : Cooperative/Straight talk
Seeking congruence.. Congruency occurs when we
take the time to make sure that the intent and
content aspects of messages are similar, or
congruent. If one partner says, “I love you” with
the content message, but the intent message is
one of distance and coolness, then the messages
are not congruent and the chances for building
relationship strength decrease.
Appropriate self-disclosure.. This occurs when an
individual reveals to one or more people some
personal information they would not other- wise
learn. We acquire information through daily
interactions. As we become more confident in the
reliability of those close to us, we reveal more and
more about who we are, what our needs are, and
what we need from others.
4 pola komunikasi dalam keluarga secara
umum (Devito, 2004):
• The Equality Pattern
 setara dalam berkomunikasi (menyampaikan ide,
pendapat & keyakinan, masing-masing pihak terbuka,secara
langsung, jujur, tidak ada pemimpin & pengikut, keputusan
dibuat bersama
 kelemahan : equality pattern = equitable (equity theory).
Kepuasaan tertinggi akan didapat ketika ada keseimbangan
(reward = cost). Ketika terjadi ketidakseimbangan, bisa saja
pihak yang merasakan akan mencari keseimbangan dari
pihak lain (bukan pasangannya)
4 pola komunikasi dalam keluarga secara umum
(Devito, 2004):
• The Balanced Split Pattern
 hubungan sejajar, namun masing-masing pihak
memiliki otoritas dalam domain yang berbeda
• The Unbalanced Split Pattern
 salah satu pihak yang memimpin adalah yang
dianggap lebih pintar & lebih mampu, biasanya juga
yang lebih menarik secara fisik, pihak yang
memimpin jarang bertanya pada yang dipimpin &
meminta masukan
4 pola komunikasi dalam keluarga secara
umum (Devito, 2004):
• The Monopoly pattern
 salah satu pihak memonopoli segalanya. Pihak yang
dimonopoli bertanya tentang segala hal, meminta ijin,
menunggu pihak yang memonopoli untuk mengambil
keputusan. Pihak lain akan tahu siapa bos & siapa yang
akan memenangkan argumentasi. Seringkali terjadi konflik
karena pihak yang memonopoli biasanya kurang mengerti
bagaimana mengatasi konflik & sering menyakiti pihak lain.
Gender in communication
• Men, generally, are socialized to communicate
differently than women. They see the world of
relationships with a slightly different hue.
• To learn how to strengthen relationship ties
between men and women, one must attend to
those differences.
• For example, Beck (1988) re-substantiated the idea
that men don’t talk about personal things as much
as women do. He found that women think their
marriages are stronger and working better when
there is plenty of dialogue and exchange about the
relationship. On the other hand, the men in this
study generally felt the opposite: when
communication turned to topics of relationships and
marital evaluation, they felt the relationship was
much more likely to be in trouble.
Gender in communication
• When problems arise, women usually respond
with more understanding; men tend to give
advice and try to solve the problems (Tannen,
1990).
• This can result in relationship problems: in times
of distress, what may be needed are supportive,
encouraging, and nurturing responses. Men may
be slower to realize those needs and, instead, be
quicker to give a lecture, provide solutions, and
sermonize. Some have suggested that this is
because men see the world as more
hierarchical; women see the world as
cooperative and focus on connectivity (Olson &
DeFrain, 1994).
Gender in communication
• Directness. One gender difference in
communication style is how direct men and
women are in conversation. Women usually
approach conflict indirectly. This means they
will try to solve the situation and possibly
take some type of conflict- reducing
measures that their partners do not
recognize. When men are faced with
confrontation, conflict, and disagreements
they use direct approaches such as
bargaining and negotiation.